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No-One Died, No Blood Was DrawnJohn Nicholson doesn't understand a couple of things. Firstly, why Luis Suarez didn't go for Branislav Ivanovic's buttocks, but also why the bite is such a big deal...
Last Updated: 22/04/13 at 09:57
Compared to many team sports, football is a relatively sedate, peaceful run around. There's the occasional stamp, the odd over-the-top tackle and the occasional biting. But in comparison to rugby where you can quite literally have your bollocks pulled, your eyes gouged and all manner of other intimate, violent probing conducted by a man the size of blue whale, it's a game of peace and love.
Recently in Aussie rules football, a player bit another player's testicles and perforated his scrotum. We used to call that foreplay on Teesside in the 1970s. In all male sports there are occasions when acts of violence happen. We don't want to encourage them but we should understand them when they happen. It's probably part of our DNA, a hangover from our hunter-gatherer days. We may be drinking lattes, using moisturizer and pretending to like cats in order to impress women but underneath we're all still animals.
When I saw Mr Suarez lunching on Branislav Ivanovic's arm, like most observers of sense I thought, blimey, you want to go for the Serbian's buttocks, mate. The rump steak on Ivanovic would surely be a large and meaty eat. Plus we could have run a headline which says Suarez Eats Chelsea Bun. And that would have been splendid and appropriately daft.
Can we say this once and very loudly: this whole damn thing doesn't really matter! It really doesn't! De-wad your panties now!No-one died, no blood was drawn, no need for a rabies injection. Move on, nothing to see here, no need for hours of debate.Everyone should be thanking Suarez. He's the gift that keeps on giving whether you want to love or hate him. He's a super-skilful angry, gerbil-like creature that hunts a ball down like a wild animal hunts its quarry. He's utterly brilliant and great entertainment up to and including the biting habit. We should be grateful.
Incidentally, has biting replaced spitting as 'the worst thing you can do on a pitch'?Either way, the reaction on Sky to it was predictable. Graeme Souness looked on in the sure knowledge that he had committed many much more bloody, painful acts of violence on a football pitch and Jamie Redknapp shook his head as though the Uruguayan had finally gone and killed someone.
Lighten up folks, does anybody remember laughter?They were so sombre, so very horrified that they showed it time and again, slowing it down and replaying it as though it was the Kennedy assassination in Oliver Stone's movie JFK.
'back and to the left, back and to the left.'
They were using it as a form of entertainment while simultaneously shaking their heads and saying how terrible it was. That's just plain hypocrisy. You could show it once and move on. It's not that big a deal. It's markedly less violent than a hard tackle. All the hand-wringing about 'we're not talking about the football, we're talking about Suarez' is utter hypocritical tosh. You're choosing to talk to about it because it's good fun to see a man biting someone on a football pitch; it's bloody hilarious in fact. But if you wanted to, you could all but ignore it. Everyone could. One bite, a fine and a few games banned, there you go, issue over. But no. Now it seems that we have to get ourselves into a lather of indignation, losing all perspective on the incident itself, losing all grip of its importance in football or in life and someone elevating it to the equal of a war crime.
Where on the scale of football sins does it lie? Worse than diving? Worse than a bad tackle? Worse than kneeing someone in the back? Worse than fighting? Worse than putting your thumb up someone's bum? All of those could cause a major injury (except the bum thumb thing, unless you've got a very big thumb with a sharp nail). It's not like he actually removed any flesh so was it actually a real bite or some sort of faux vegan-inspired bite which did not taste flesh? A soya bite, if you will.
It's time that there was some honesty and perspective about these type of incidents when were we're all supposed to throw our skirts over our head, indulge ourselves in competitive outrage and wail about another dark day for football.
Can't we just laugh it off? In what way does it really matter? Will there be a sudden outbreak of biting across the land as all of us, hypnotized by Suarez' actions, seek out the taste of human flesh?Biting is no worse - in fact, it is considerably less bad - than many acts of aggression on a football pitch. It is not some uniquely heinous sin.
It is however, a small but bloody mad thing to do, so let's enjoy that fact and admit we love this sort of thing. It keeps us all entertained and that's what football is all about. Entertainment.
http://www.football365.com/john-nicholson/8665173/No-One-Died-No-Blood-Was-Drawn
